i wish my penis had a tongue
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
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