I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
4 words: hood of his car
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
