The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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