I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
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