I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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