today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
