seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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