I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
