Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
