At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
