I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
