Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Another day, another engagement, another cat
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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