Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Randomize
