i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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