My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
