Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Randomize
