It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
