This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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