Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
