Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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