I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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