do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
