I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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