I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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