I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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