Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
