yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
