I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize