I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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