She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
