Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
