that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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