Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
