Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
