i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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