I just made out with a guy for $7.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
