I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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