I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
