She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
