I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
