gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
