You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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