I wish I could punch you in the face.
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
