so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
