Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
