I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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