Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
