I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
