So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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