There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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