There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
