if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
