It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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