Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
