did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
