my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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