Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
